I sometimes hear from people who are trying to educate themselves about the challenges that they, and their marriage, might be facing after their spouse cheats or has an affair. Many are at least somewhat open to the idea of saving their marriage. But, they have concerns as to how feasible VictoriaHearts.com Reviews this really is. Many want to know ahead of time what might go wrong so that they can see the problems coming before hand.
A common concern is something like:
"my husband had a four month affair with a former teacher of his grown
daughter's. Actually, it was my step daughter who told me about the affair
because she opposed the relationship. Apparently, my husband and the other
woman were talking about running away together and leaving their families. And
my step daughter didn't want to see this happen to me. I appreciate her telling
me, but this has been a very painful process. My husband swears that he still
loves me and now wants to save the marriage. I have a very hard time believing
this. I don't understand how it's possible that just a month ago, he was
planning a getaway with her and now all of a sudden, the marriage is good
enough for him once again so that he wants to fight for it. It is hard for me
to envision what type of marriage we might have in the future. And this is if I
even agree to attempt to salvage this marriage. I'm just curious as to why
marriages VictoriaHearts fail after
an affair. What is it that does the marriage in? Is it the affair? Or is it
what comes after the affair?"
I'm not a therapist of statistician.
But I can tell you what I notice in my own life and the trends that I notice. I
have my theories - but that is all they are. Below, I'll tell you some of the
things that I think contributes to a marriage crumbling under the weight of an
affair. But I want to stress that just because I am listing an item, this
doesn't mean that it is applicable to your case or that it will happen to you.
The whole point of learning what might be a problem is using that information
to avoid it. Here are things that I commonly see or hear about below.
The Anger Never Goes Away: This is
a very common issue that I see cropping up over and over again. The couple may
have done extensive work and tried very hard. But, for whatever reason, the
faithful spouse VictoriaHearts.com just can
not let go of the anger. As a result, things are strained and they remain so.
You will often hear the cheating spouse say things like: "I will never be
able to win. I will always be punished. I'll forever be on her bad side."
And, when this dynamic is set up,
it's very hard to have true intimacy or genuine joy in your marriage. I know
first hand that it can be hard to let go of the anger. But it's often easier if
you work very hard on making yourself whole individually when you are the
faithful spouse. This may mean restoring your self esteem and making things OK
with you outside of your marriage. This means pursuing what you love and what
you need as an individual. Why? Because it builds your confidence and your
happiness so that you feel safe and ready to let go of the anger.
The Trust Is Never Restored:
Sometimes, both people work very hard and the marriage is partially healed.
There may even be times when both people feel happy once again. But, there's
always that sense of distrust. There's always that time when the husband comes
home late or is on the phone just a little too long when the wife starts to
worry that he may be cheating again. This is understandable if it happens
sometimes. But, in some cases, it happens all of the time. The faithful spouse
just can not establish any lasting trust and is always worrying that this is
going to happen once again. So, neither person can fully relax, which is never
a fun situation. I will admit that restoring the trust is hard. And usually, it
just takes the passage of time to gain that confidence. But, the cheating
spouse can help their cause by being completely transparent and forthcoming. No
secrets. No being evasive. And, the faithful spouse can commit to taking a leap
of faith, unless and until their spouse does something to jeopardize that
faith.
The Healing Is Never Completed Or
Attempted Because It's Easier To Gloss Over The Problems: This is a broad
reason, but I see it happening very often. Of course you want to for your life
to get back to normal after the affair. You want to feel right again. Your
spouse may be pressuring you also. It's very common to just throw up your hands
and to want to make things at least feel acceptable again as soon as you
possibly can. So you may choke down your anger or forego those questions that
you have. Or, you may excuse your spouse from going to counseling because he is
so resistant to it and it's only seeming to make things worse. But, when you do
that, you delay or even negate your healing. And if you do not make healing a
priority, as painful and as difficult as it may be, then you might end up with
a marriage that is still very damaged and still just a shell of its former
self. People will often just hope that it gets better, but without anything to
help it along, it sometimes doesn't get better. And no one wants to live this
way forever.
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