"You actually want to stay married to this guy?"
She didn't hesitate a moment. Yes,
she wanted to save her marriage. She and her husband were 40ish, married about
twenty years, with a couple of children. One evening he told her Elitesingles he was in love
with his assistant, that he already had a lawyer, and suggested she procure one
for herself.
At least that last part was
different. Often the abandoning spouse tries to convince the other that he will
be nicer in the divorce - and they each could save a lot of money - if she
would agree to let his lawyer handle everything. It's a way to manipulate the
outcome and many spouses fall for it, thinking that keeping him (or her) calm
provides better opportunities to potentially salvage the marriage.
Not so.
Making the path to divorce easier
may keep the abandoning spouse calmer, but keeping him or her calm shouldn't be
the goal. In my work with marriages over nearly twenty years, I've learned that
rather LovingFeel.com than
making divorce easier, anyone who wishes to salvage a marriage should make it
harder. Much harder.
That's what I told Sally.
"If you really want this
marriage to work, I'll guide you through a step-by-step process to save it. If
anything works, this will. Understand me clearly, IF anything works, this will.
I can't guarantee success but it works more than 75% of the time."
Before sharing with you the steps I
guided Sally through, I'll give you the good news; it worked. It wasn't easy
and didn't happen overnight, but by doing the right things she created a
climate that ultimately DateMyAge.com review led to the saving of her marriage. Her husband
abandoned his lover, returned home, and worked on falling in love with his wife
again. That was nearly twenty years ago. They're still together and still in
love.
For the last dozen years I've been
teaching the same principles to couples who come to my intensive workshop for
marriages in crisis. I've seen it work with just about any situation you can
imagine, not just adultery but also marriages plagued with anger problems, a
controlling spouse, disrespect, disinterest, and more.
So what advice did I give? What
works if anything will? Here is the short and simplified version. We provide a
much more detailed and customized version in our workshop.
ACCEPT THE PERSON BUT NOT THE
ACTIONS
Never accept the sinful actions of
another, but try to understand and accept what is behind the sin. What led the
person to those actions? Was it pain? Feelings of neglect or disrespect? Even
if you consider it imaginary, accept what your spouse sees has his/her reality
and be very open to the possibility that you played a part in causing your
spouse to feel the way he/she feels. That doesn't make you the "bad
guy" or the other person the "good guy." It simply makes each of
you human beings.
BE READY TO FORGIVE
I regularly see people who work
hard to save their marriage and as soon as the spouse turns, the anger
overwhelms the spouse trying to save the marriage. At that point he or she
doesn't want to forgive. I'm warning you, don't try to save your marriage
unless you intend to follow through by learning to forgive. That doesn't make
the hurt instantly go away; it makes it possible for it to go away. That also
doesn't mean that you aren't entitled to know who, what, when and where but
that is a delicate matter for each of you that we've found often needs a third
party or at least a constructive plan.
There are steps that the other
person will need to take in order for you to be able to do this to the level necessary
to save your marriage long term. But in the short term, while your spouse still
wants to leave, you need to find a way to forgive them using a broad stroke. If
your spouse feels he/she is just going to be punished by coming back, it's very
unlikely to happen.
STRATEGIES
The next steps are about strategy.
In some ways, they'll act as your secret weapon in winning back your spouse.
But you must be confident that they'll work so that you'll stick with them even
if you feel the urge to do the things you shouldn't. Like I said at the start
of this article, if anything will work, this will.
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