After an affair, if you decide to stay together, you have to start fresh. Like a bridge that has collapsed, the relationship needs to be rebuilt on a solid foundation-or it may falter again. Below are the tasks VictoriaHearts.com Reviews you need to address in order to rebuild a stronger and more resilient relationship.
1. Commit to the new relationship.
The affair has to be terminated and both partners have to make a full and
honest commitment to work on the new relationship. Both have to reinvest in the
relationship for at least a designated period of time, 4-6 months minimum.
During that period, there has to be agreements to continue working together,
even if one or both slip back into bad habits.
2. Agree on the ground rules.
Certain behaviors are unacceptable: emotional/physical abuse, addictive
behaviors, unfaithfulness, critical attacks, secretiveness, unexplained
absences, etc. Ingrained patterns of behavior do not transform over-night but
there must be an enduring intention for change from both partners.
3. Understand what went wrong. The
burning question is: why did one partner look for sex, love, comfort and intimacy
outside VictoriaHearts of the
marriage? The factors are complex but they can be divided into:
Issues arising from dysfunctional
patterns in the relationship-unmet needs, patterns of criticism and
defensiveness, aggressive conflicts, disrespect and lack of connection
Unresolved emotional issues in one
or both of the partners-problematic attachment in childhood, unrealistic
relationship expectations, issues arising from past love relationships.
Both partners have to do painful
soul-searching in order to accept their portion of responsibility. In
particular, the unfaithful partner has to face the reality that they damaged
the relationship and caused VictoriaHearts.com suffering
in their partner and family.
4. Rebuild trust. Promises and
agreements have to be kept to the best of each person's ability. Any breach of
trust should be openly acknowledged and repaired by asking for forgiveness and
actively forgiving without conditions. While the unfaithful partner may need to
be accountable for his or her whereabouts and contacts, it is important that
this does not turn into interrogation, manipulation or close monitoring by the
injured party. Trust cannot be built on control.
5. Create realistic expectations.
It is not realistic to:
Expect yourself or your partner to
change overnight
Think that love or sex will fix all
problems or change the other person
Try and force the other person to
become who you think he/she should be
Believe that your partner should
intuitively know what you need or want
Assume everything is fine if you
are not actively fighting
Think that you have to agree to
work together effectively
Spend lots of time away from the
other person and still have a relationship
6. Avoid negative patterns. The
essential behaviors and attitudes to avoid are: blaming, critical attacks,
disrespect or condescension, defensiveness and failure to listen, walking away
or ignoring the other person, shouting and screaming. The most common negative
relational pattern is one of withdrawal/nagging or nagging/withdrawal.
7. Reinforce positive patterns. A
fulfilling relationship is based on 5 basic elements:
Presence-partners have to be with
each other not just physically, but mentally, emotionally and energetically.
Connection-partners need to
reconnect every time they are apart through touch and conscious greeting. Sex
and physical closeness tend to create energetic resonance and deeper
connection.
Tolerance and Respect-partners have
to tolerate the irritating faults of their partner and respect their right to
be who they are. Being open to and accepting (not condoning) flaws helps the
other person change.
Kindness-relationship is built on
small everyday acts of loving attention, appreciation and caring. Showing
gratitude and appreciation for all your partner does for you and the family,
strengthens the bonds of love.
Deepening-relationships become more
intimate as each partner shares their vulnerabilities, inner world, essential
beliefs and aspirations. Letting down the inner and outer barriers to
connection allows the relationship to become more profound and spiritual.
With some relationship tools and a
strong intention to be together, you can rebuild and renew your falter
relationship on a solid and enduring foundation of love and respect.
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