I sometimes hear from wives who feel very conflicting emotions. Although they are very relieved that their husband has ended his affair and recommitted to the marriage, they are very disturbed at his new outlook Eharmony.com Reviews on life. He seems to have changed. And the changes, at least in the wife's eyes, aren't good ones. He may even exhibit thinking that seems a bit out there or delusional.
An example of the type of comment
that I might hear in this situation is something like: "I noticed
something really odd about my husband before I ever found out about the affair.
And the reason for this is that my husband was not acting like himself. Prior
to all of this, my husband was a very down to earth, stoic, salt of the earth
type of guy. He was solid. He was predictable. Some might have said that he was
boring but I don't really see it that way. I like that he is predictable and
that I could always count on him. But when he reached middle age, he started to
hate our 'boring' lifestyle. He started to want to travel a lot more and he
wanted to do things on the spur of the moment. He started complaining about
being 'tied down.' He would blow off of work and this really bothered people at
his office because my husband has always been so responsible. Anyway, this lead
up to risky Eharmony behavior -
and eventually an affair. I caught him and I am relatively certain he has ended
the affair. He has done everything that I have asked him to do - even going to
counseling. But even the counseling isn't helping with his attitude. I would
say that it is almost delusional. My husband is now saying that he's not going
to work for pay for much longer. He says that he wants to take time off to
embrace life and to travel and see the world and experience things with
passion. We aren't that old. We are decades away from the age when most people
retire. The things that he is saying just aren't realistic. Our children are
older but they are still at home and still in school and they still need for us
to be there and to be stable. My husband is talking like he just wants to shed
a conventional life style and start doing precisely what he wants. He has said
several times that the other woman made him feel 'alive' and I'm concerned that
he's never going to come back down to earth. Is this going to pass? I want to
be supportive, but he is acting a little silly."
If this weren't an article about an
affair, many people would read the description of the husband and think that he
was having a typical mid life crisis. This is very typical of men (and a decent
amount of women) when they get a certain age and take a look at their life and Eharmony.com determine
that there are some things that they would like to change while they still have
the chance. In theory, this is understandable. But some people take it too far
- which is when they are vulnerable to having affairs and doing other things
that just aren't typical of them.
Thankfully, many of them do work
through this on their own. In time, they come to see that they were taking this
to the extreme and that they can still make changes in their lives while still
being their responsible and stable selves. Some men, however, need help with
this, especially if this goes on for so long or is so extreme that it affects
the family's day to day life. Since this couple was already seeking counseling,
the counselor was probably the best candidate to handle this. You might
approach her privately and make sure that she is well aware of these issues.
She might suggest that your husband see her separately and independently. (And
it helps for her to be the one to suggest it.)
In many situations, with time, it
becomes obvious to the husband that his wishes are not sustainable and just
aren't realistic. This can be hard for him to admit and to accept. But over
time, it often becomes quite obvious and undeniable. You can help by trying to
compromise when you can. Perhaps you can make it a point to travel quite
regularly to exciting locations that you can both enjoy. That way, he is getting
a dose of excitement, but he certainly doesn't need to quit his job or live off
the grid. It is all about making him feel that his life is changing for the
better, while not needing to change so much that it disrupts his family.
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