I sometimes hear from people who are now convinced that, after they have cheated and had an affair, there is no hope for their marriage. And, this isn't because their spouse won't ever forgive the affair. Eharmony.com Reviews It's because they have come to the conclusion that they no longer love their spouse and that their spouse deserves someone who can genuinely love them in the way that they should be loved.
So, I might hear a comment like:
"I know that it was wrong to cheat on my husband. I am not proud of what I
have done. I am most sorry because of my children. In a perfect world, they
should grow up with parents who love one another and who are very much
together. I'm sorry to say that this is not going to happen now. I have fallen
in love with someone else. When my husband found out about the affair, I really
did try to do the right thing. I told my husband that I would end the affair
and I did. I tried my best to make it work. But it didn't stick. Why? Eharmony Because I
don't love my husband anymore. I honestly wish that I did. But when I look at
him, I don't feel anything. Oh, I feel affection for him because he is a good
man and because he is the father of my children. But, I don't feel passion and
lust. I don't feel true love. I don't feel like I want to be with him for the
rest of my life. I can't feel these things because I feel them for the other
man. My mother is disgusted at my behavior. She says that I am not giving my
marriage a fair chance. But what are you supposed to do when the affair has
made you realize that you don't love your spouse anymore?"
I am going to try my best to give a
very thoughtful response, but it is a bit difficult for me. As a spouse who has
been cheated on, it would be easy for me to feel for and even to side with the
husband. I've never fallen in love with someone else or cheated on my spouse.
But, I have heard from many people in this situation so I do feel that I have a
good handle on what feelings go into this. I have no problems believing that Eharmony.com the
unfaithful spouse can be in love with the other person. And I know that these
feelings can be intense and difficult to ignore.
But I also firmly believe that when
you are actively involved in a relationship with someone else, then you are
looking at your spouse and at your marriage from a viewpoint that has been
affected and distorted by the other relationship. In other words, I'm not sure
that you can possibly objectively evaluate your feelings when you are juggling
two relationships. You can't objectively evaluate how you feel now and how you
might feel six months or a year from now after you've had counseling or the
time to rehabilitate your marriage.
Quite frankly, I have no way of
knowing if you'll be able to repair your marriage or restore your feelings for
your spouse. But, I do know, without any doubt, that this is possible. I can
tell you that neither my husband or I felt very loving toward each other after
his affair. There were days when I didn't care if I ever saw him again. There
were days when I would look at him and I wouldn't feel anything but flat or
angry. When I look back at old journal entries from that time period, it's
clear that I didn't feel anything that resembled love at all.
But the reality today is very different.
I love my husband very much and I am confident that he feels the same.
Restoring these feelings took work. And it took removing any thing that
distracted us from rebuilding and healing. It took us sharing new experiences
to write a new history for ourselves even when we weren't feeling it and didn't
want to.
There were days when this all felt
like a waste of time. But obviously, today, I'm glad I put forth the effort. I
wouldn't have wanted to start over again. I have children with my spouse and a
shared history and that meant that I owed it to my family to try to rebuild
this before I just walked away because of my own beliefs and discomfort.
Can I promise that you'll fall back
in love with your spouse? No, I can't. And I'm certainly not a therapist, but
I'm pretty confident that most would tell you that you won't have a healthy
relationship with the other man until you see the relationship that you already
have to the end. You have unfinished business in your marriage right now.
Doesn't it make sense to give yourself and your marriage a chance before you
just declare it over? I understand that you don't feel that you love your
husband. But it's very hard to feel loving feelings under the current
circumstances. That generally will only happen once you end the affair and give
yourself the time and the resources to see if you can rebuild. I can't tell you
how many people comment on my blog and tell me that they deeply regret leaving
their spouse for the affair, although they were sure that they were in love
with the other person at the time.
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